Thursday, March 28th, 2002
|
|
7:02 pm - the letter that was never received
|
so the other day i was in creative writing, and i figured, what the fuck, ill write a letter..with a few things that need to be said, and never send it....weird?...nah
Dear Will-
I remember the first time I saw you. I was a mere freshman, you were a sophmore with a bad attitude and funny hair. I was at Sanborn, probably skipping feild hockey practice to socialize. You were sitting and continously looking at me.
"What the fuck are you looking at?" I said, with my normal, all too normal, snotty voice.
"I'm looking at a fuckin freshman freak,"
I glared, and walked away.
Thats when it started; my infatuation with you.
I loved the way you talked. The navy blue hoodies, how I could smell ck1 when you walked by me. Shrugging me off, like every other freshman girl. You arent the sterotypical "hot". You're perfect. Even fuckin Brad Pitt has nothing to you.
At this very moment, I'm looking at you. God, you have the most amazing mouth. You make me feel so stupid. Guys arent supposed to make me feel all gooey and shit. I take pride in not feeling like a giddy school girl around most boys. Ugh, you just looked over here. I hate that. I get just chills knowing your eyes are on me, it sucks.
Why do you have to be everything I want? It only makes it harder, and hurts even more when you turn me down.
love,
morgan
current mood: depressed
current music: sneaker pimps
|
|
(4 kisses | kiss me)
|
|
Monday, February 25th, 2002
|
|
11:55 am - just breath~~~~~
|
i went to bed at 3:30 this morning..woke up at 10am.and i couldnt go back to sleep. i have a doctors appointment tomorrow...i can fuckin smell the hospital right now....all starchy and like....clean....bleh
i had the strangest dreams.....
aight...i gotta like....go do stuff....
its been a while since i've written....
not quite INTO it....heh....yeeup
cya
current mood: cold
current music: bikini kill
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Monday, December 31st, 2001
|
|
3:22 pm - "im sorry, am i not fitting in?"
|
my
..........................................................
head.......................................
..........................................................
.
.
.
.
.
oh my fucking word, it feels like somebody is slamming the back of my head against a wall over and over and over again. ive been hugging the fucking toilet all day. somebody. please. kill me. i need to stop drinking my problems away...haha im a fricken drunk. an angry fucking drunk. my god thats so attractive. im going to end up a highschool dropout and turn into a drunken two-bit whore. that would be quite the story though, "excellent student with a great future ahead dies of alcohol poisoning at the age of 19 after whoring herself on main street in burlington"
.....im such a happy happy person arent i boys and girls.....
current mood: high
current music: kittie
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Sunday, December 30th, 2001
|
|
12:28 pm - why
|
WHY do i have to be so fucking stupid. WHY do i do things i know ill regret. WHY do i hate myself so much. WHY did i stop taking my meds. WHY do i constantly think about hurting myself. WHY cant i be like everybody else. i used to be, i think i was. i used to be an it girl. then i turned into a bitter fucked up bitch. i was one at the start. but it was hidden by a winning smile, tight mudds and a roxy shirt. in a way im happy im not how i used to be. happy right...i dont know WHY everybody hates me. they say they dont but i know they do. i dont know WHY people insist on lying to me. im not going to go kill myself, i want to more than anything though. i cant go on anymore. i dont get WHY i stopped taking my meds and just like that im back to where i was.
i dont know why i have to suffer like this.
current mood: numb
current music: soad
|
|
(3 kisses | kiss me)
|
|
Saturday, December 29th, 2001
|
|
6:30 pm - blowpops
|
yum, morgan's dinner......well sortof...i ate at around 3 then went shopping......im just like not hungry, ya know? ive lost 10 lbs. in a little over two weeks. umm, i really dont know if thats healthy....sounds pretty bad. i just wish people would get off my case about it. "its horrible morgan, what you're doing to yourself" well you know what, FUCK YOU. im so sick of it. just leave me alone! well im sorry, but they can force me to take medication, they can force me to sleep, they can force me to stay in my room, but one thing they can't force me to do, is eat. im falling apart, i cant even look at myself. i thought it would be okay. that i would look better. i look sick. no, not good "sick". but i cant stop.
i fucking hate myself.
current mood: cold
current music: system of a down
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Sunday, December 23rd, 2001
|
|
5:14 pm - grr
|
aight, ill say more tonight......bleh.......my head hurts
current mood: hyper
current music: nickelback
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Friday, December 21st, 2001
|
|
6:59 am - oww
|
my fuckin throat. i went to to dentist yesterday....god.
last day of school before vacation.....yay..
i gotta shower. cya
current mood: annoyed
current music: nothin
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Thursday, December 20th, 2001
|
|
5:07 pm - yummy
|
::lets see whats going on with morgan today::
[wearing] black kikgirls, white baby-t w/devo on it
[craving] cheesecake or anything bad for me
[feeling] tired-horny-bitchy-depressed
[singing] sex and candy
[watching] friends
[thinking]"why cant my nipples always show like jennifer aniston's"
tomorrows my last day of school before christmas vacation....or, holiday vacation, whatever, its fuckin christmas vacation, it pisses me off there are so many other holidays out there and they have to pick the one with a fat dirty old man and candycanes which go straight to your ass by the way.
current mood: lethargic
current music: mono
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Wednesday, December 19th, 2001
|
|
6:39 am - blowjobs
|
so i wrote a little thing about why it sucks to be a teenage girl.....and it was called "why it sucks to be a teenage girl"...haha.....and anyways, so i show it to my creative writing teacher and ask if he thinks its cool to read it to the class on my presentation day (which is every other week)...and he says no. and im thinkin its because its basically about blowjobs and i get fairly graphic in detail on the subject matter.. but actually he wanted to talk to me first on how the class would see ME after i read it...now......mouth is my nickname.....soooo hello, nothin new. i gotta shower, bye bye
~mouth...bleh
current mood: rushed
current music: static-x
|
|
(1 kiss | kiss me)
|
|
Tuesday, December 18th, 2001
|
|
6:41 am - um
|
i had 7 hours of sleep and i still feel horrible. in fact i feel even more tired than i usually do with 2 hours. i have so much homework to do. im fucking up everything. i cant think straight. my head is killing me. i cant stand up without like falling over. im seriously losing it.
current mood: uncomfortable
current music: no doubt
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Monday, December 17th, 2001
|
|
5:24 am - gawd
|
if i could take the worst feeling, and multiply that by 47, you still would have no idea how much im hurtin right now. i went to bed at 2 this morning and got up at 5 to finish this stupid paper, and now look at me, fuckin procrastinating. i have 1/3 of it done and it was due friday. im such a fuck-up. why even bother, ya know? so im sitting here, staring at my cat whos a foot away from me on the chair, whos purring and perfectly happy and its really pissing me off. why cant i be that cat. just for todaaaaaay...id give anything! she has it so easy. all she does is sleep in MY bed all day and then gets attention from ME at night, and no, i dont mean anything dirty you fuck, but yea i sleep with her every night. could i NOT waste anymore time...probably actually. but as far as makin this any longer..nope
current mood: exhausted
current music: dido (look, its 5:30am, shut up)
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Sunday, December 16th, 2001
|
|
9:36 pm - um
|
|
|
|
8:33 am - nonfat yogurt w/aspartame & fructose sweeteners
|
i needed a topic, and i just read what was on my breakfast/lunch/dinner. oh yea, new thing, eat one thing a day....haha......mad healthy. im going shopping today...."christmas" shopping.....bleh.....i wish the holidays would just be over, i want to buy shit for myself. yes im greedy, but c'mon, are you telling me you LIKE dishing out all your cash towards making others happy..no not even happy, they give that fake smile when they open the gift and the "oh thanks"...see...ive perfected the fake smile so i know whats going down at present time....
now i love my grandmother to death....but if i get something else that is monogrammed, i will shoot myself. do i like my name? yea its aight. do i want to see it everywhere i turn? NO. who in their right mind would go to school with "Morgan" on a pencil? haha okay...well not MY name, but your name....yea i wouldnt wanna go to school with some random chicks name on my pencil..
well, i have to go take a shower now.....cya
~m
current mood: indifferent
current music: saliva
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Saturday, December 15th, 2001
|
|
10:19 am - huh
|
why the fuck am i up at 10:19 in the morning on a saturday?? oh yea, its because im a tard and went to bed at 11. its so messed up, i go to bed earlier on the weekends than i do on school nights. next week is my last week of school until christmas vacation....yayyyyy.
i looked in the mirror this morning while i was changing (narcissistic..i know)......anyways....so i was looking, and i stopped and stared at myself. and im getting really skinny. i dont know if i should be worried or happy. yea i havent been eating a lot....but.....god......its weird.
i seriously want to change myself, im really sick of me.....ya know?
but whatev, maybe ill actually do my new years resolution.
current mood: contemplative
current music: letters to cleo
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Friday, December 14th, 2001
|
|
6:46 am - god
|
thank god......i just.....yessssssss its friday......i have nothing else to say!
current mood: discontent
current music: static-x
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Thursday, December 13th, 2001
|
|
7:42 pm - ow....my head.... *whimper*
|
ive had the worst headache for 4 hours...it hurts so much....i swear its the bad lighting at school or the really obnoxious perfume girls take fuckin baths in. im so happy tomorrow is friday...this week went by hella fast. mmm.....hello sleeping for 48 consecutive hours. im down to three cigarettes a day, im so proud of myself....my goal is to quit by new years....
(i.e. my new years resolution to stop smoking and lose exactly 50lbs).....haha id look so bad if i lost that much weight, i wouldnt even be able to move....hmm.....5'6.....80lbs......is that bad? i dunno, i have great cheekbones and they would just be sticking out even more which rocks.
current mood: hot
current music: pixies
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Wednesday, December 12th, 2001
|
|
6:31 am - not happy
|
i wanted to cut so badly last night. i was watching tv around 11 and i started crying nonstop, so i went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife and sat back down on the couch and stared at it for a long time. but i didnt do it. and no its not because im "cured" or whatever the fuck they think from the meds, its because i was too lazy to clean up the fucking mess.
current mood: gloomy
current music: adema
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Tuesday, December 11th, 2001
|
|
4:24 pm - what the fuck
|
grrr, i have two appointments today..i just got back from the doctors....they're up'ing my dosage.....yay.....morgan will be even more messed up now. i have to see my shrink in 20 minutes...its so retarded. godddd....im just sick of ME, ya know? its like my life is all ME now...im the only one that matters and its pissing me off. i know this is fucked, but i used to complain that nobody cared about me, and now its constantly "how are you feeling morgan"
i just want to scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!"
im just am sick of everything now...its fucking nonstop...i cant handle this anymore i wish everybody would just go away!!!
current mood: pissed off
current music: NIN
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
Monday, December 10th, 2001
|
|
6:01 pm - ugh
|
i feel horrible, whenever i nap, i wake up and i just feel disgusting....i got my middle of the marking period grade sheet in spanish today. for class grade it said "92".....quiz grade "big trouble".......what the fuck does that mean. is he just trying to give me an aneurism.
okay dinner time.......
current mood: awake
current music: our lady peace ~spiritual machines
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
|
6:58 am - godd.....
|
im sooooooooooooooooo tired......and i have so much homework due in an hour that i havent even started yet....im so fucked. im not gonna graduate.....well yes i am, but not without honors if i dont get my ass in gear in a fuckin week. okay....i gotta go to hell now......bye..... :(
i hate that place....
current mood: exhausted
current music: pixies
|
|
(kiss me)
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
tasty_bitch's journal